Tag: Aaron Sorkin

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If Aaron Sorkin Worked At Hallmark

Don’t Blink: Day 5

I believe that every day lived with laughter is a day well lived. Which is why I spent a few minutes of my morning writing silly greeting cards as if they were written by one of my favorite screenwriters.

I shared my good news about Blue Mountain Arts with a few friends, who were all very supportive (and didn’t actually come out and say what I know you’re all thinking, “Hey, Heath, you’d be perfect for that, cheese ball.” So thanks for that guys…I think).

Aaron tells me he applied to work for Hallmark once, and that he didn’t get the job. I think he’s being dry, but I never know with him. He did, after all, work delivering singing telegrams for a while. The image of him writing Hallmark cards got me giggling out loud, and then writing, and then giggling some more.

Rejected Hallmark Cards, by Aaron Sorkin

Another year older? Stop whining. Just stop. Do it. Do it now.
*

Birthdays are not nice on so many levels.

*

I spent $4.99 on this card for you. NO I DO NOT
USE FACEBOOK OR TWITTER. STOP ASKING ME, YOU NETWORKED NUTJOB.

*

What are friends for?

Telling you what you don’t want to hear, and annoying the hell outta you.
You, my friend, do an excellent job.

*

Specifically for Sarah Palin:

Happy Martin Luther King Day,
you phony pioneer girl.

*

I love you, but every single day, I wanna smack
you silly with a stale baguette. Happy Anniversary.

*

NB: These were all my words, in his style, or his favorite words, in my style–regardless, they aren’t direct quotes from any of his works or interviews–except for the “phony pioneer girl” quote, which I simply couldn’t resist recycling. I don’t think it was harsh. I think it was awesome.

Finally, Aaron, if you’re reading, (which I highly doubt ’cause I believe you’re writing a play, a sitcom, four movies, and taking a shower) congrats to you, Lauren, Ian, David Fincher, and the cast and crew for all the nominations and awards so far for The Social Network. No surprise there—it’s all well-deserved.

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“I’m Afraid To Ask, But What Is Poking?”

“A new comment on the post #179 “Will Mr. Screenwriter Add Me As A Facebook Friend?” is waiting for your approval.”

I stared at my inbox in disbelief, then looked around for a brown bag to breathe into.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in.  Breathe out. Mr. Screenwriter—the guy who wrote my favourite movie and some of the best television ever written—just signed my blog? Mr. Screenwriter just signed my blog!

Okay. It’s easy to figure out who everyone in my story is—it’s not like I’m making it hard for you—and everyone in my story is just fine with that, but I’m sticking with the Mr. and Mrs. Names. They’re funny, and they have a nice ring to them.

“I’m afraid to ask, but what is poking?” Mr. Screenwriter wrote me. He was referring to the title of a second post he’d read on my blog about Facebook, “You’ve Been Poked.” He was in the process of writing a movie about Facebook, and wanted to understand how it worked.

The whole thing was very funny—but hard for me to believe. I’m from Ottawa. I’ve only traveled to the States a couple times. I’ve never been to Hollywood. The only famous person I’d met was Gary Sandy, WKRP’s Andy, in the elevator of an Edmonton hotel. I was about twelve years old, and recognized him right away. “Hey, I know you!” I grinned, and gave him a hug (my personality hasn’t changed much since twelve). I think my parents turned red, but chuckled. I then went on to tell Mr. Sandy how I was taking drama classes and was going to be famous some day. My parents tell me he got a kick out of me that night.

As for the blog post Mr. Screenwriter signed, you won’t be able to find it. One day, in one of my fits of panic and over-thinking which my dear family members and friends have come to refer to as—actually, they can’t quite find the term for me yet—I decided to delete the posts. They were getting a lot of traffic, and it bothered me.

Yeah. I know. Trust me to find a reason to panic about a blog post getting a lot of traffic. This won’t surprise any of my good friends or family members. As my dear friend Lucky Man Larry puts it, “It’s okay. I’ve become immune to your panicking.”

At the time, I didn’t like all the questions I was getting about it in my inbox. I just wanted people to read my blog for the poems and stories–not because some famous person had signed one of the entries.

There was also the not-so-minor fact that for about six months, I thought I was corresponding with Mr. Fake Screenwriter—that me and the more than 10,000 readers of his Facebook discussion board were being bamboozled, conned, fooled, punked, getting the wool pulled over our eyes.

I thought this despite that I’d called his studio to confirm with his assistant that this was the real deal.  I would think this until the day I found a way to speak with Mr. Screenwriter on the phone.

Read how this story started:

Prologue: The Fine Line (between persistence and stalking)

1) a-The Fine Line: “Do What You Want”

b-Emails from L.A.

Read the NEXT Chapter: “You’re Not Being Punked”