If Aaron Sorkin Worked At Hallmark

Don’t Blink: Day 5

I believe that every day lived with laughter is a day well lived. Which is why I spent a few minutes of my morning writing silly greeting cards as if they were written by one of my favorite screenwriters.

I shared my good news about Blue Mountain Arts with a few friends, who were all very supportive (and didn’t actually come out and say what I know you’re all thinking, “Hey, Heath, you’d be perfect for that, cheese ball.” So thanks for that guys…I think).

Aaron tells me he applied to work for Hallmark once, and that he didn’t get the job. I think he’s being dry, but I never know with him. He did, after all, work delivering singing telegrams for a while. The image of him writing Hallmark cards got me giggling out loud, and then writing, and then giggling some more.

Rejected Hallmark Cards, by Aaron Sorkin

Another year older? Stop whining. Just stop. Do it. Do it now.
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Birthdays are not nice on so many levels.

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I spent $4.99 on this card for you. NO I DO NOT
USE FACEBOOK OR TWITTER. STOP ASKING ME, YOU NETWORKED NUTJOB.

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What are friends for?

Telling you what you don’t want to hear, and annoying the hell outta you.
You, my friend, do an excellent job.

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Specifically for Sarah Palin:

Happy Martin Luther King Day,
you phony pioneer girl.

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I love you, but every single day, I wanna smack
you silly with a stale baguette. Happy Anniversary.

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NB: These were all my words, in his style, or his favorite words, in my style–regardless, they aren’t direct quotes from any of his works or interviews–except for the “phony pioneer girl” quote, which I simply couldn’t resist recycling. I don’t think it was harsh. I think it was awesome.

Finally, Aaron, if you’re reading, (which I highly doubt ’cause I believe you’re writing a play, a sitcom, four movies, and taking a shower) congrats to you, Lauren, Ian, David Fincher, and the cast and crew for all the nominations and awards so far for The Social Network. No surprise there—it’s all well-deserved.